I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
