I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
