Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
