I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
