I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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