I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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