Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
