I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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