When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
