its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
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She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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