It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
