Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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