I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
