I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
