I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
