My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
