He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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