It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
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I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
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Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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