It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
