Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
