the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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