I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I AM VODKA MAN
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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