Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
