You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
