smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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