The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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