remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
