you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
