she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
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