How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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