I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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