Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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