I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
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don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
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Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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