The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
