I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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