Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
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Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
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Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!