I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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