I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just pynch a tree in the face
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
A+ Viking dick