My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.