On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
