Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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