She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
