I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
