I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
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So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
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I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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