the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
