Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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