The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
