if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Damn victory sex feels great
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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