from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Two words: blizzard sex
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
