I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
