Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
