Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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