Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
When are your genitals available?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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