Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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