Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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