Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
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You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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