she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
