Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i dont even know how to be here
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
